In the midst of sorrow the knock at the door, the coffee pot that always needed refilling, gave me something to do. The friends who carried casseroles through the door became gentle sponges, each one soaking up a little more of my grief.

As I've grown older, I've become aware that people need and want different things in the midst of personal crisis. How can we be sensitive to those needs?

My phone never stopped ringing morning to night with inquiries. So many people came to the hospital that we were forced to ban visitors, many of whom came anyway.

As I write these words, I feel a measure of guilt. People were showing concern and we were blessed by their friendship. Yet, the experience made me re-evaluate my own response to crisis.

I realize that sometimes when I try to help I am actually fulfilling my own deep need to do something. I stand back and ask: Whose need am I really meeting?

But if it's someone in my larger circle, I try to be sensitive. Are these people being well supported or does it appear they need more help? I drop a card in the mail or at the hospital immediately, assuring them of prayers.

Sometimes hospitals provide the family with a status report they can put online, including a spot for people to leave messages. This is a godsend to the harried family and to their concerned friends.

Often, someone will organize meals to be provided for the family for the long haul. Just make sure it's something the family wants and double-check on their food preferences. I have finally learned that randomly dropping lasagna at someone's house is not always helpful.

In my family's crisis, a close circle of friends bought school lunch items -- prepackaged, lunch box stuff that made my life easier and thrilled my kids. This dream group of friends operated through one spokesperson, and even offered to clean my house, if I wanted them to.

When the crisis passes, people are often forgotten and left alone. That may be when they need us most. Maybe they're experiencing loneliness, grief or numbness. Maybe that's the time a gentle phone call or an invitation to coffee might really be needed.

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